Comedy Archives - Tyler Findlay

The Top 5 Grossest Dairy Queen Cake Decorations

For Emily’s birthday, I’d ordered a cake containing an image from one of one of Don Hertzfeldt’s rejected commercials (for more information on the meme, click here). When I called to order it from Dairy Queen, my conversation went something like this:

“About how racy would something be for you guys not to be able to do it?”
“Oh, we’ll do anything.”
“I’m wondering if you’re going to regret saying that.”
“… Let me get my manager.”

Luckily, the manager turned out to be even cool. The results, as you can see to the left, are nothing short of amazing. I e-mailed the image and he texted it back to me to confirm. Yes, I want a cake inscribed with the message “My Anus is Bleeding” on it. He asked if there needed to be any other text on it. I replied no. “My Anus Is Bleeding” is enough. At this point I think I was just testing how many time I could say “My Anus is Bleeding”. I then had to ask:

“So, is this the weirdest request for a Dairy Queen cake you’ve ever had?”
“Hmmmm … maybe in the top 5.”
I went silent with excitement, then asked “What are the other 4?”

Here they are:

A penis with a superman cape saying “Time to Fly, Little One”
An asian guy with a small penis saying “Congrats on Losing Your Virginity”
A toilet with steaming poo inside saying “What Makes You Think Your Shit Doesn’t Stink?”
A big fat cock, simply saying “Eat Me”

Dairy Queen, consider me a satisfied customer.

If you guys don’t know Emily, she is the genius responsible for Tyler’s Adventure’s. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. If you have, check it again because as you’ll remember, it’s hilarious.

Also, send her a Happy Birthday on Facebook if you feel so compelled. She needs it. She’s old balls.

Happy Birthday, Emily!

My New Job: Corporate Introduction

I recently reapplied within the City of Edmonton IT branch for a job on the web development team. For anyone know knows me even a little they know that my passion is web technology so it was I was really excited for the opportunity, even though the move came with a) less pay and b) more work (presumably as I’ll be learning a whole bunch of new stuff).
When people move positions or are newly hired, HR sends out an e-mail with the notification. As part of it, people get to write a quick paragraph blurb about themselves. Mostly these are filled with things like “has 3 kids” or “was born in summer Vancouver” or “hates purple gift wrap”. When my coach, Jordan asked me to send him a blurb, my response was “Can I make things up?” I was asked to send and we’d see how it was.

After send a copy, I tentatively asked:

Dude, do you think its unprofessional? Did you at least chuckle? I have no clue if I’m the only one who thinks this is funny

Jordan is a man of few words:

HILARIOUS!!! 🙂 I LOVE IT! I’ll send it in as is! 🙂

Unfortunately, the resource office didn’t agree with us and it got rejected. Not one to let something like this never reach the public masses, here was my first draft professional introduction (the second paragraph was my customized part.)

Congratulations to Tyler Findlay on being the successful candidate for our Systems Analyst posting for the Web Team. Tyler graduated from the U of A in 2008 with a degree in Computer Science and a minor in Business. He has worked on various Transit and Finance applications over the last 3 years and a transition plan is being created to facilitate his transition.

During this time he also earned Welterweight titles in both the UFC and MMA until finally retiring undefeated and changing the sport of mixed martial arts forever. Shortly after winning the Indy 500, Tyler joined the City of Edmonton as part of the Transportation Support group which has been his home for 3 years. Scientists speculate that his reputation is expanding faster than the Universe.